Three men are captured by Female savages, and are told their penises would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs. The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.

The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.

The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Sorry... the best I could do from a long list of pathetic "jokes"! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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An Australian, and Englishman and an American are on a cruise with their wives.
Sitting at breakfast the first morning, the Englishman sets our to impress his neighbours with his affection for his wife.
He says, 'Would you please pass the honey, Honey?'
With this the American chimes in, 'Can you pass the sugar, Sugar?'
Not to be outdone, the Aussie looks at his wife and says, 'Pass the tea bag.'
It is understood he had to be airlifted off the ship to the nearest intensive care ward. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: 'Hi! I am so happy to see you.'
Girl: 'Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
Man: 'It's been 10 years!'...
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: 'Thank you so much!'
Girl: 'So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?'
Man: 'It's been 10 years!'
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: 'Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!'
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): 'So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?'
Man: 'Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!!!' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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PERFECTION
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just
like Frank.
Passenger: Who?
Cabbie: Frank Feldman. Hes a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.
Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was really something special.
Cabbie: Theres more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman
could do everything right.
Passenger: Wow, what a guy !
Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: How did you meet him?
Cabbie: I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A few words from a program I heard on the radio:


The way wellness influencers will outlive us, is by killing us all.

What's the difference between an influencer & a scientist. An influencer knows they are right.

Bum hole tanning is also known as changing your ringtone. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

I'd like some raisin bread please, the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,

Is it raisin for you too? No, stammers the old man, but its quivering a little. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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This is not a joke.

I got a closer look than the blokes in the joke. A while back we had a move around in the office and I was under the desk on my hands an knees sorting out the mass of electrical wireing spaghetti and as I crawled out I went to stand up and my head went straight up the skirt of a young female member of staff who just happened to be standing by the desk. My heart rate has returned to normal now.

Jimbo

I tend to bash my head getting out from under the table & end up a bit light headed. But this is a new perspective so to speak! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A mother thinks there is something strange about her son so she has a DNA test done in secret.
After a long, nervous few days of waiting, the results finally come back.
She is shocked to find out that her son is not actually related to her or her husband at all.
With a heavy heart, she approaches her husband and tells him the truth.
Honey, she starts. I'm so sorry to tell you this but Johnny is not our biological son.
The husband looks confused. Well of course he isn't! Don't you remember?
We were leaving the hospital when he pooped himself so badly.
You told me, Go and change the baby, I'll wait here. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A wise man once told his wife nothing, because he was a wise man. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A man goes to see a wizard and says, 'Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?'

'May be,' said the wizard. 'If you can remember the exact words of the curse.'

The man replies, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Half price fare.

An airline introduced a half-price fare for women accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the airline wrote to all of the wives who'd used the special rate, asking them if they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, What trip? Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, 'Ask him where the money is!'
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, 'Where's the money?'
Guido signs back, 'I don't know what you are talking about.'
The lawyer tells the Godfather, 'He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, 'Ask him again or I'll kill him!'
The lawyer signs to Guido, 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him.'
Guido trembles and signs, 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin
Bruno's house.'
The Godfather asks the lawyer, 'What did he say?'
The lawyer replies, 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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