Irish Nun
In Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips.
The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader...
Mother, the nuns asked earnestly, 'Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.'
She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: 'Don't sell that cow.' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Shoplifter

A cranky older woman in her senior years was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool".
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store".
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach".
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said "Yes sir, what do you have to add?" The husband said meekly "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas". Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Crazy Little Johnny

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

'Not yet,' said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pis_ed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?

Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Betty went to the cemetery every day in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Harry.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave!

One day her friend Leila asked, 'Betty why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?'

Betty answered, 'When Harry was alive he always told me 'You have got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!'... I'm not taking any chances!' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A group of elderly Australians were travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce," she explained.
She then asked: "What do you do in Australia with your old goats?"
"They send us on bus tours," an old gentleman answered. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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