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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Getting old I don't care anymore

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the dog diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25kg before I awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

The supermarket won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #442895 29th Jun 2024 12:47 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Duck hunter

In the morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak... he walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news... The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter. 'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?' 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.

'She's a flute player in the BBC Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p_ss in your eye.' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #442909 30th Jun 2024 3:30 am
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Jimboland



Member Since: 06 Dec 2015
Location: Northants
Posts: 717

England 2012 Freelander 2 SD4 GS Auto Santorini Black

This sort of accident happens more often than we think. The man in this incident had suffered severe damage to his penis. The surgeon said there was good news and bad news; the good news is that his dick could be repaired but the bad news was that it could only be done privately and was very expensive.

Fortunately the man had a good health insurance policy which would pay for the operation and some compensation so the surgeon suggested that while he was at it he could enlarge his penis and it would only cost an extra £5,000 per inch.

The man thought it was agood idea and wanted to go for an extra three inches but the surgeon warned him to consult his wife first as it could be quite a shock for her as she may be shocked or disappointed.

The man agreed and spoke to his wife so the next day when the surgeon came back he asked the man what the decision was and the man answered, we are going to have a new kitchen!

J

Post #442910 30th Jun 2024 8:05 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample & stool sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "Give him your underpants" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #442917 30th Jun 2024 2:12 pm
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of lip prints.

Every night the cleaner would remove them and the next day the.girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the cleaner.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the cleaner showed the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... and there are educators! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #443027 5th Jul 2024 9:49 am
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3landertwo



Member Since: 27 May 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 1110

Lightwater

the above joke was posted by YOU on the 26th June 2024.

Does your Les Dawson book of jokes just fall open on that page ??

Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter

Post #443028 5th Jul 2024 10:39 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Sorry. Getting them out of order. Having a complete debacle in Australia. 3g is being turned off, I'm running 2 phones, both of which Telstra don't want to know about. 31 August there looks like the best part of a million mobile phones go to landfill.

Forgot to mention that they can't phone 000 (emergency services). One way one keeping people out of hospitals!

Maybe the system the UK should be looking at!!!

Don't know whether to laugh or take a rope!

Edit: Forgot the latest leaked Victorian culling of hospital budget cuts. Basically using the dead to fill potholes. No shortage of either! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #443032 5th Jul 2024 12:59 pm
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Not sure which phone this was on going to landfill courtesy of Telstra... maybe a good thing!


A nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.

After many years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.

They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.

All the furniture is piled in the hall. "What happened to all the furniture?" she asks.

"Well, I don't know what sex is like with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #443035 5th Jul 2024 1:24 pm
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robblue



Member Since: 10 Jan 2017
Location: cornwall
Posts: 233

United Kingdom 2012 Freelander 2 SD4 XS Auto Santorini Black

Thumbs Up Rolling with laughter 2009 FL2 S now gone
2011 FL2 HSE AUTO
2012 FL2 XS AUTO
2000 Kawasaki er 5

Post #443050 6th Jul 2024 9:55 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Don't stuff yourself

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

Acoustic insulation ARB TPMS 3xARB air compressors After cooler Air tank On-board OCD pressure air/water cleaning Additional 50L fuel Carpet in doors ABE 2x1kg Waeco 28L modified fridge Battery 4x26ah Solar 120w Victron MPPT 100/20 DC-DC 18amps 175amp jumper plug Awning 6x255/60R18

Post #443072 7th Jul 2024 10:23 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Golf panties

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irish man's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #443178 11th Jul 2024 8:00 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

If the smoke is pink...

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

Acoustic insulation ARB TPMS 3xARB air compressors After cooler Air tank On-board OCD pressure air/water cleaning Additional 50L fuel Carpet in doors ABE 2x1kg Waeco 28L modified fridge Battery 4x26ah Solar 120w Victron MPPT 100/20 DC-DC 18amps 175amp jumper plug Awning 6x255/60R18

Post #443316 15th Jul 2024 12:46 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4840

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Donald duck!

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

Acoustic insulation ARB TPMS 3xARB air compressors After cooler Air tank On-board OCD pressure air/water cleaning Additional 50L fuel Carpet in doors ABE 2x1kg Waeco 28L modified fridge Battery 4x26ah Solar 120w Victron MPPT 100/20 DC-DC 18amps 175amp jumper plug Awning 6x255/60R18

Post #443379 17th Jul 2024 12:39 pm
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robblue



Member Since: 10 Jan 2017
Location: cornwall
Posts: 233

United Kingdom 2012 Freelander 2 SD4 XS Auto Santorini Black

Big Cry Rolling with laughter Thumbs Up 2009 FL2 S now gone
2011 FL2 HSE AUTO
2012 FL2 XS AUTO
2000 Kawasaki er 5

Post #443382 17th Jul 2024 1:36 pm
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