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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Fishing.


No one in this town could catch any fish except this one old man.

The Game Warden asked him how he did it.

The man told the Game Warden that he would take him fishing the next day.

Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water.

After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water.

The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.

The Game Warden became irate and started yelling how illegal this was.

Quite some time passed as the Warden explained all the charges the old man could face.

Finally the Warden asked if he had anything to say for himself.

The old man calmly took out another stick of dynamite and lit it.

He then handed it to the Game Warden and said 'Are you gonna sit there talking all day, or are you gonna fish!' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #438583 19th Jan 2024 3:06 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

God's gifts to get things going.

When God created Adam and Eve, He said I have two gifts to give you, one for each, one is to pee standing up and... Adam, very anxious, interrupted and said I will take that! Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her so I will take your more interesting gift of multiple orgasms.


(disclaimer, I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination. But there there must be more than a bit of truth in the matter. Better leave it at that!) Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #438620 20th Jan 2024 8:07 pm
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Jimboland



Member Since: 06 Dec 2015
Location: Northants
Posts: 706

England 2012 Freelander 2 SD4 GS Auto Santorini Black

A couple were thinking about how to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary and she said "Why don't we go to that Wimpy bar your took me to on your motor bike on our first date?"

"Good idea" he replied.

So they got in the car and set off. Oh but how things had changed. The old B1274 country road was now an A road and a 4 lane dual carriageway and the old Wimpy bar was a neon light glitzy affair with a huge menu.

They had a nice meal and he said to her "Do you remember when on that first date after the meal we went out to the back of the car park and made love up against the fence, so why don't we do it again?"

She agreed and they went to the car park and found a secluded spot. After they had made love she said "That was marvelous, it was just how I remember it 60 years ago. I didn't think you could still do it".

He replied "Yes, but 60 years ago that was not an electric fence!".

J

Post #439158 6th Feb 2024 10:13 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Cut & tuck detailing


A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears." Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439285 11th Feb 2024 6:32 am
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robblue



Member Since: 10 Jan 2017
Location: cornwall
Posts: 187

United Kingdom 2012 Freelander 2 SD4 XS Auto Santorini Black

Rolling with laughter Big Cry Thumbs Up 2009 FL2 S now gone
2011 FL2 HSE AUTO
2012 FL2 XS AUTO
2000 Kawasaki er 5

Post #439298 11th Feb 2024 1:37 pm
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Out for dinner

..a waiter delivered two entrees, two main courses and two desserts to an elderly couple and he is fascinated when the man tucks into his meal showing every sign of satisfaction while his wife doesn't touch a morsel and just sits patiently watching him.
Cautiously, he approaches their table.
Excuse me madam, he says, I can't help but notice that you haven't touched your meal. Is there anything wrong?
The lady looks up, Oh no, young man. Its just his turn for the teeth. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439316 12th Feb 2024 5:36 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Drunk minister




'Thanks mate'... Australian version:

The drunk, a previous Deputy Prime Minister of Australia (due to minor party coalition party status). Still an MP for New England in NSW for Federal Government. His excuse was he was on medication & the alcohol clashed (words to that affect).

Permanent record!


Barnaby Joyce also had children with a Staffer, roughly half his age. One could go on. He did say at some stage he needed his job to pay for all the children with wife (lower case) & Staffer.

Good quality Liberal/Country party (National Party) that the citizen aspires to.


You couldn't write this stuff! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439354 12th Feb 2024 10:58 pm
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Dinner

Last night I was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen: "Oh sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef, lamb, pork or duck?"
I said, "Thank you, darling. I think I'll have chicken."
She replied, "You're havin' a peanut butter sandwich. I was talkin' to the dog!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439358 13th Feb 2024 3:43 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

The bear

Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her. The wife cried "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" said the hunter husband. "The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it". Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439443 16th Feb 2024 11:33 am
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Andy131



Member Since: 09 Dec 2009
Location: Manchester
Posts: 2155

United Kingdom 

Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter

Got this just as the Mother-in-Law turned up

probably a wise idea not to show it to her Tangiers Orange - gone, missing her
Replaced by Ewok what a mistake - now a happy Disco Sport owner

Post #439445 16th Feb 2024 1:02 pm
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Thumbs Up Thumbs Up Thumbs Up Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439461 16th Feb 2024 7:31 pm
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Fraserthomas



Member Since: 26 Jan 2024
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 11

United States 

Who can drive all their customers away and still make money?

Taxi drivers.

Post #439500 18th Feb 2024 10:30 pm
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

25 years.

Husband takes his wife out for the evening and they end up at a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it some, break dancing, back flips, moon walk, the full works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, do you see the chap dancing, yes he replied. he proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down.

Husband looks at his wife and says, I can see he's still celebrating. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439507 19th Feb 2024 11:32 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Sorry for the delay, quite frankly little & also nothing worth forwarding. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

Acoustic insulation ARB TPMS 3xARB air compressors After cooler Air tank On-board OCD pressure air/water cleaning Additional 50L fuel Carpet in doors ABE 2x1kg Waeco 28L modified fridge Battery 4x26ah Solar 120w Victron MPPT 100/20 DC-DC 18amps 175amp jumper plug Awning 6x255/60R18

Post #439672 27th Feb 2024 11:24 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4671

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Youthful aspiration

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Lamborghini worth over a million dollars, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson...

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"




P.S. Only the other day I happen to see a Lamborghini on Military Road, Mosman, Sydney, Australia, with P (provisional) plates... The driver was very cute (with other key assets looking well down from the Freelander at the traffic lights. Almost missed the next green cycle!).... but putting personal wishes aside... obviously she was "somewhat" expensive to maintain!

The Freelander does have 1.8m if front seats are pushed forward, as tested (on very limited basis!). Thermarest Luxury Map does reduce injuries these days (if I remember!).

Lamborghini is a fail as far as rear entry, even the bonnet is too low (can't see the point if going from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds!). Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439674 27th Feb 2024 11:30 am
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