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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4729

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

End of stick.

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their thirteen children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the thirteen kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber on the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439709 29th Feb 2024 7:17 am
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robblue



Member Since: 10 Jan 2017
Location: cornwall
Posts: 206

United Kingdom 2012 Freelander 2 SD4 XS Auto Santorini Black

Thumbs Up 2009 FL2 S now gone
2011 FL2 HSE AUTO
2012 FL2 XS AUTO
2000 Kawasaki er 5

Post #439711 29th Feb 2024 9:39 am
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Richard A Thackeray



Member Since: 13 Jan 2024
Location: Wakefield, West Riding of Yorkshire
Posts: 42

United Kingdom 

'85% Rule', Never Heard Of It!!!

Still, it's impressive, in an extremely dangerous way!!


Post #439771 3rd Mar 2024 1:08 pm
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Just a driver



Member Since: 29 Nov 2021
Location: Norfolk
Posts: 299

United Kingdom 2009 Freelander 2 SD4 GS Auto Stornoway Grey

Is that an old John Deere with the steps at the front and the curved glass doors ? It must weigh in 3 ton plus surely. I could not see a model number on it.

Post #439787 3rd Mar 2024 6:33 pm
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4729

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

& a tonne for the trailer, & another tonne if the wheels are filled with water. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Post #439885 7th Mar 2024 7:27 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4729

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Fire engine

One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact".

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave Jewish fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief "What are you going to do with all that money?".

"Vell" said Moishe Epstein, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting ve gonna do - is fix da brakes on dat f_cking truck!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

Acoustic insulation ARB TPMS 3xARB air compressors After cooler Air tank On-board OCD pressure air/water cleaning Additional 50L fuel Carpet in doors ABE 2x1kg Waeco 28L modified fridge Battery 4x26ah Solar 120w Victron MPPT 100/20 DC-DC 18amps 175amp jumper plug Awning 6x255/60R18

Post #439886 7th Mar 2024 7:30 am
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robblue



Member Since: 10 Jan 2017
Location: cornwall
Posts: 206

United Kingdom 2012 Freelander 2 SD4 XS Auto Santorini Black

Very Happy Thumbs Up Rolling with laughter 2009 FL2 S now gone
2011 FL2 HSE AUTO
2012 FL2 XS AUTO
2000 Kawasaki er 5

Post #439887 7th Mar 2024 8:57 am
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Jimboland



Member Since: 06 Dec 2015
Location: Northants
Posts: 714

England 2012 Freelander 2 SD4 GS Auto Santorini Black

Here in the UK Fire Brigades were originally set up by insurance companies to put out fires in buildings that were insured by them. If the Fire Brigade was called and you were not coverd by the insurance company then the Brigade would just stand by and let your house burn down.

As a result of insurance brigades not putting fires out a law was passed making it compulsory for local authorities to have a fire brigade. That seemed a very sensible thing to do except that while the local authrity had to have a brigade there was nothing in the law to require the brigade even to attend a fire let alone put it out. Fortunately the law was changed to require the brigade to attend fires and to allow them to carry out other important tasks like rescuing cats stuck up trees and these things were called special services and the brigade could charge for doing them.

On one occasion the brigade was called out on a special services basis because a boy had got his head stuck in the railings at Buckingham Palace. By this time the brigade had learned how to free boys with their head stuck in the railings by lubricationg their ears and turning them upside down.

The leading fireman went into the palace kitchen and said "Excuse me your majesty, can I borrow a knob of butter because some stupid boy has got his head stuck in the railings". So with the butter he was able to free the boy.

Back at the fire station the fireman had to make out his report but he did not like the idea of charging her majesty under the special services arrangement so instead he headed his report as a rescue and suggested the the Fire Brigade should be renamed as The Fire and Rescue Service.

The new name of Fire and Rescue Service was adopted and that not only explains how the change of name came about but how the then Prince Charles got his sticking out ears!

J

Post #439928 8th Mar 2024 11:12 am
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Fraserthomas



Member Since: 26 Jan 2024
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 17

United States 

Husband: “Honey, the neighbor is washing the car with his son again!”

Wife: “Poor kid! Go over there and tell him to use a sponge instead.”

Post #440187 17th Mar 2024 3:20 pm
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Richard A Thackeray



Member Since: 13 Jan 2024
Location: Wakefield, West Riding of Yorkshire
Posts: 42

United Kingdom 

I gave my household questionnaire to John Denver.

He filled up my census..... Rolling Eyes

Post #440202 18th Mar 2024 11:01 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4729

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

Acoustic insulation ARB TPMS 3xARB air compressors After cooler Air tank On-board OCD pressure air/water cleaning Additional 50L fuel Carpet in doors ABE 2x1kg Waeco 28L modified fridge Battery 4x26ah Solar 120w Victron MPPT 100/20 DC-DC 18amps 175amp jumper plug Awning 6x255/60R18

Post #440444 28th Mar 2024 10:50 am
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V8 offroad



Member Since: 03 Mar 2019
Location: REDRUTH
Posts: 55

United Kingdom 2007 Freelander 2 TD4 HSE Manual Sumatra Black

A young man was passing a house when a stunning young woman came out of her house wearing a dressing gown. She smiled at him, he smiled back and they struck up a conversation.
As they talked her robe opened slightly and he saw she was naked underneath. As he struggled to maintain eye contact, the young woman said "I think we should go inside, I can hear someone coming".
Once inside, she allowed the robe to fall off. "So", she said, " what do you think is my best feature?" The young man thought for a second and said "I think it has to be your ears".
"My ears?" she replied? My breasts are perfect, I work out every day, my waist is 24 inches and my ass is firm. Why would you say my ears?"

"Well," he said, "outside, when you said you could hear someone coming - that was me!" Every time I learn something new,something old gets pushed out of my brain?

Post #440494 31st Mar 2024 5:32 am
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robblue



Member Since: 10 Jan 2017
Location: cornwall
Posts: 206

United Kingdom 2012 Freelander 2 SD4 XS Auto Santorini Black

Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Big Cry Thumbs Up 2009 FL2 S now gone
2011 FL2 HSE AUTO
2012 FL2 XS AUTO
2000 Kawasaki er 5

Post #440501 31st Mar 2024 11:14 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4729

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

A couple who work at the travelling circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.
The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon." Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

Acoustic insulation ARB TPMS 3xARB air compressors After cooler Air tank On-board OCD pressure air/water cleaning Additional 50L fuel Carpet in doors ABE 2x1kg Waeco 28L modified fridge Battery 4x26ah Solar 120w Victron MPPT 100/20 DC-DC 18amps 175amp jumper plug Awning 6x255/60R18

Post #440575 3rd Apr 2024 5:45 am
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Lightwater



Member Since: 21 Aug 2014
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Posts: 4729

Ukraine 2013 Freelander 2 2.0T SE Auto Fuji White

Little Johnny



A school teacher asked her class to make a sentence containing the expression, I presume.

One little girl held up her hand and said. Yesterday my mother hand-washed the dinner dishes, so I presume the dishwasher was broken.

Very good, said the teacher.

Another one said. This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume the BMW wouldnt start.

Thats excellent, says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says. Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and he headed for the bush. I presume that....

The teacher interrupted him and said. I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you cant presume anything.

Johnny says. Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.

The teacher says. Very well. Continue.

As I was saying. I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a **** because he cant read. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

Acoustic insulation ARB TPMS 3xARB air compressors After cooler Air tank On-board OCD pressure air/water cleaning Additional 50L fuel Carpet in doors ABE 2x1kg Waeco 28L modified fridge Battery 4x26ah Solar 120w Victron MPPT 100/20 DC-DC 18amps 175amp jumper plug Awning 6x255/60R18

Post #440901 16th Apr 2024 9:39 am
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