Engineers & accountants


Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" one of the accountants asks. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says: "Tickets, please!"

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says: "Tickets, please. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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One of your better efforts. 😂

That one went out with the Beeching cuts.

J

During lockdown when there was not much to do so we always went to bed early my missus thought I was a bit short in the bedroom department so I took a foot ruler to bed with me and asked her to measure me up.

She measured my foot and said it was a bit large but next time would I bring a bigger ruler to bed and could it be one of those round section ones that she used to use to count the sheep to get her off to sleep before we were married!

Well it was something about getting her off!

J

(edited for typo)

Horny rooster

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and does over all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. In the afternoon the rooster again has his way with all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster on the ducks, geese, and a parrot too, which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, and whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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One for the oil Burners!

At the Australian Embassy in Delhi, two men are lined up to apply to come to Australia under the skilled immigrant visa. The first man was interviewed and told the interviewer that he worked in the womens underwear fitting section of a department store. The official told him every red blooded Aussie man would do that job and it was not a skill that we needed. The next man sat down for interview and was asked what he did. Well sir he said nodding proudly, I am a diesel fitter. The official said that is just what we need a skilled diesel fitter. Continuing the interview he asked where the man worked. Well sir he said, nodding again, I am working with that last man. The interviewer, now confused, asked how that can be. The candidate said, well sir, still nodding, when the ladies come into the store he measures all around them and he yells to me in the stock room size 38D, and I come out with the right size and I say diesel fit her. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Headache


Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband ...asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him, and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, 'She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife...'
His funeral service will be held on Saturday. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Lie Clocks


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks,

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told

a lie"

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where is Trump's clock?"

"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Modern Love Story.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise." Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Don,t have a joke but a big thank you to Lightwater for brightening up our days.
None of this PC rubbish.
Keep up the good work. Jim A
Fl2 HSE 2010 auto
Disco 2Td5 auto 2002 gone
Disci 1 300Tdi auto 1996 gone

They are not my work, I just simply pass on the ones that are "better"! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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1920s kids excitement.

Parents were relieved to have some de-stressing time out!

Click image to enlarge

I use to play on things like that when I was a kid. It only hurts if you fall off!

They usually were set in a nice concrete base not like they are now with sissy rubber bases you bounce off and they are only a few feet high. Kids these days, no sense of adventure. I used to play in a WW2 bomb site where there was a steel pipe resting a 45 degrees I used to slide down then one day it had gone. Turned out it was an unexploded German bomb.

J

Not sure this is the right place for this one but I saw a video recently from a car mechanic talking about strange problems that he had dealt with fixing cars. A guy came in with a car and said that it was making a strange howling/whistling noise from the front of the car when driving along but it stopped as soon as the car slowed down and stopped even if the engine was still running. He went through everything and couldn't find what was causing it then someone spotted that someone had cable tied a mouth organ (harmonica) to the front grill.  3 x FL1 2 manual + 1 auto
5 x FL2 4 manual + 1 auto
Now Discovery Sport P250 MHEV SE