Sorry for going off topic normal service may resume

A close shave

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days after it has passed through your system just like everyone else does.."

J

Ultimate Weight Loss Programme?

A chap is so impressed with an advert claiming to guarantee a minimum 5KG loss in ten days and fantastic reward at the end. So he phones the number and speaks to the agent.

Says the agent: "No problem, but you must understand this is a strenuous routine and requires complete commitment for the five days.. You MUST do what you are told, and whatever you do, only weigh yourself on the Saturday"

"yes, yes I want to start immediately" says the chap.

"OK, stay in next Monday and someone will knock on your door and make a start"

Monday comes along and sure enough, a knock on his door. He opens it and standing there is a gorgeous, voluptuous, curvy brunette in figure-clinging running gear. She's holding up a sign which reads,

"If you can catch me, you can have me..." She then turns and starts jogging up the street.

The chap tries to catch her but she's good, she increases speed just enough and after half an hour, the chap is out of puff and stops.

"Don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow," she says, and leaves him there.

Sure enough, next day she knocks on his door. This time, she's topless, and holding the same sign up... "if you can catch me, you can have me."

Well, he tries, but again she's just too far ahead and after an hour he's out of puff and stops.

This goes on for the whole week and by Friday he never had caught her. But it's good... he realises that each day he's managed to keep going for 30 minutes longer, and by Friday he was chasing her for almost 2.5 hours.

On Saturday, he weighs himself and he's lost 5 KG and feels great - amazing! he's thrilled, and decides he wants to do it all over again... and maybe catch the woman.

So he phones up the agent who says,

"Ah, sorry, that programme is one-time only. We do have one other motivational version but you need to be very fit for it, most customers don't get through the first day."

The chap replies, "Wow, sounds good, please I feel great after last week, I want to do another week."

"OK," says the agent, " If you're sure, stay in on Monday and someone will call. You must do what you are told and only weigh yourself on Saturday..."

Sure enough, On Monday there's a knock on the door. Standing there is a very fit-looking six-foot blonde man dressed just in lycra pants and trainers.

He's holding up a sign which reads,

...

...If I can catch you, I can have you..." Lexus RX450H - 500 mile a week commuter- I just couldn’t trust in a newer RRS or DS for that….
2009 Freelander 2 HSE... 155K miles, we’ve done 135k of those, has done brilliantly on the commute and staying firmly put as car two in the household
2002 Jaguar XK8 Coupe... fun, fast, ours for 12 years and owes us nothing - so staying with us too…

A single farmer living in the outback of Australiagets a call from his neighbour who lives over 50 miles away. The conversation goes "Hi there, we haven't met up for months and I was thinking of having a get together next weekend, you know the sort of thing, get loads of booze in, plenty of food, loud music, get some sex going - all the usual party stuff. Can you make to the party?"
"yes sounds great to me I could do with meeting up with some folks, what's the dress code?"
"Oh wear what you like, it will just be the two of us"  3 x FL1 2 manual + 1 auto
5 x FL2 4 manual + 1 auto
Now Discovery Sport P250 MHEV SE

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting at the front door, Who do you let in first?





The dog of course, He'll shut up once you let him in.... At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

.How many wives have you gone through thus far ?

wife and dog missing

reward for dog! At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

Not sure this should be in the humour section as it's actually true - but here goes.

A while ago were discussing inappropriate birthday / anniversary / Christmas presents at work.
One guy had actually bought his wife a dish washer and was surprised when she wasn't that happy.
I had bought Gill a pink vacuum cleaner for her birthday - and it was actually well received.

But this Christmas I trumped the vacuum cleaner.
I bought Gill a grave plot, and a toaster.

She was/is (brownie points don't last long) very happy with the presents the toaster is shiny and means that we can both have toast together rather than just two slices at a time. The grave plot though was perfect, next to an existing family plot.

Gill has terminal cancer, so death and funeral arrangements are a very frequent topic at home, she wants it all done right and doesn't want me panicking about what she would have liked. One of us is very organised, one isn't.

Oh and George is right, let the dog in first, otherwise you will get rebuked for leaving the dog out - dog come top of the pecking order in Gills world. Tangiers Orange - gone, missing her
Replaced by Ewok what a mistake - now a happy Disco Sport owner

I agree dog first,

Best wishes to Gill, keep fighting
My mate passed of motor neurone before xmas, 2 years after diagnosis aged 56, but he held his spirits up till the end, despite only being able to communicate with an ipad voice machine.
Shame some prat robbed him of his last bike trip by selling him a goldwing trike with dodgy mot and dangerous faults. He had to sell the normal gold wing due to balance issues.
The dodgy bike seller and mot garage got comeuppance when vosa got involved but Bill health declined before the bike was fully repaired.

Thanks to the local mot tester who provided repair labour foc, there are still gentlemen in the trade At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

sorry to put this in the humour section but this is regarding Julie, the aforementioned Bills wife

https://www.strayfm.com/news/local-news/30...mans-life/ At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

Gundog, do you not have the Electric Hook-up Freelander option. ??

Click image to enlarge

Click image to enlarge

Afraid not  94 Disco 300 TDI Gone
96 Defender 300 TDI Gone...Should have kept it.
2003 Freelander ES TD4 Gone
2002 Defender TD5 Gone
2005 Freelander HSE TD4 Gone
2015 Freelander 2 Metropolis Keeping for now!

^^^^^ And there you have it......something truly messed up, thank you for that . Off to change the battery in my second 2008 remote. Did the spare yesterday, battery and remote appear to be the original. 12 years and the battery was resting at 2.97v.