A husband, is admiring his naked body in the mirror,he says to his wife, "Look at that, fourteen stone of pure dynamite!"

His wife replies, "shame about the two inch fuse!"


Bill T Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

One dark night in the township of Whakatane, New Zealand, a fire started inside a local chemical plant associated with the paper mill industry and in a blink of an eye it
exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the volunteer firemen for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company manager rushed to the senior fireman and said, "All our secret formulas are in a large grey
steel safe in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more units had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived from Tauranga and all surrounding
districts the manager shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still none of the firemen could get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Taneatua Maori rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Maoris
over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight
into the middle of the inferno..

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire, and had saved the critical formulas.

The grateful chemical company manager announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV3 reporter caught the thank you on film, and asked their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fireman, "The first thing we going to do is fix the brakes on this bloody truck !"

Bill T Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

Recently I spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus Bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and didn't even look at a cow.
Perhaps I had paid more for the bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young,
so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Within two days the bull had serviced all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!
Wow, he's just like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him
. . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint. At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

You offer Someone a sincere compliment on their moustache at work.
And suddenly she's not your friend anymore

An entire northern town in England has totally disappeared into thin air. Police say they have no Leeds.

In a dilemma at the mo! I've got 2 girlfriends & i want to get rid of 1 of them!
1 likes a*al the other has a massive pair of t*ts!

I guess its 's**t OR BUST?!


Scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you...the more you have the longer you live.

And finally..........


I cut myself the other day but, for some reason, it slowly stopped bleeding...

The clot thickens


Bill T. Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine, I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results but now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

 2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/06/14/25-rea...-scotland/ At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

The Scots always have to say something offensive to the English.

My abiding memory of a visit to Edinburgh is the stunned expression on the face of an American tourist as he witnessed a fat inebriated homeless woman taking a dump in a phone box on Princes Street.

OK, a bit of a generalisation there but it is so childish and irritating. 2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

top ten jokes from the Fringe Festival

The top 10 were:

Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

Someone in the Guardian complained about the lack of women comedians in the top ten jokes.  2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

Well they should be less serious and have a sense of humour  Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

A book just fell on my head.

I've only got my shelf to blame

Thefts in multi storey car parks. It's wrong on so many levels.  2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

Two Chet Atkins fans were in a hotel lobby saying things like 'I've got two of his guitar straps, both signed', and the other saying 'I've got ten of his albums also all signed by Chet'.

This went on and on with both trying to outdo each other.

Eventually the Hotel receptionist said, 'I cant stand anymore of this. Two Chet Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer'!!!

I'll get me coat.................... Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

...

Given the quality ( ) of your joke, I'm astonished that you can afford a coat!

... ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...