Ha ha  ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

I received an e-mail this morning, inviting me to 'Discover America'

I sent them a return e-mail, with a Wikipedia link for Christopher Columbus.

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age.
All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a Woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within 30 miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave the bloody towel"

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officers
funeral, a voice from inside screams
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his
teeth and mutters...
"Too ........... late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring one home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like her. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again. "So Ron. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"
Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

[pinched from D4 "euangibson"]As it's St George's Day,I thought our English contingent (and others) might like this one.....




Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur
driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check.

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving; go and tell the farmer." says Nicola, ''I can't afford to be blamed for anything on the run-up to the election.''

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there and explained what happened the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and his daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.




scroll down...











a bit more....













"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them,
''I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

http://election2015.ifs.org.uk/uploads/publications/bns/BN170.pdf ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.."

https://www.facebook.com/ZOOWeeklyOz/videos/824645570947957/ At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

oh yes like how the two caravan pile up on the A1 yesterday saved lots of folks from getting home, enjoying a Friday night drink and damaging their livers,,, way to go caravanners At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

How many tractors did it take to cause that? (Not reported in the news up here so chaos can't have been that bad) Everyone can spread it - Anyone can catch it. Stay home - the life you save can be your own!

A wagon driver told me of it yesterday, between laughing,, he said one vanner rammed the rear of another . He said there was quilts cushions and stuff everywere  At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

This one is new to me, so hope you all enjoy it too:
A couple of poachers are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes have rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his mobile phone and dials 999. He gasps at the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in that calm soothing way of theirs says: "Just take it easy; first, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" Ex AA Series III LWB Safari - Gone
300TDi Disco (bought new - terrible car) sent back after 18 months
Freelander 1 Estate - leased, given back at end of lease
200TDi Disco (bought from a mate with 100,000 on the clock) - Gone
Disco 2 TD5 - sold and exported to France
FR2 TD4 GS - Gone
FR2 SD4 HSE - Now changed for a DS
New model ex-demo Evoque S 180 in white
Unable to order a new DS, so gave up. Now have a Volvo S90 Recharge.