The Madam opened the brothel door in Belfast and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties:

May I help you sir? She asked.

The man replied. I want to see Rosie.

Sir, Rosie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else. Said the madam.

He replied. No, I must see Rosie.

Just then, Rosie appeared and announced to the man she charged £10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand pounds and gave it to Rosie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Rosie. Rosie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. There are no discounts. The price is still £10,000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Rosie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Rosie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Rosie said to the man. No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?

The man replied. Falls Road .

Really. She said. I have family on the Falls Road.

I know. The man said. Your sister died and I am her Solicitor. She asked me to give you your £30,000 inheritance.

The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer... Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Why do they bury lawyers at 12 feet?

Just in case they are still alive..... Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Bond, James Bond... Jamie Bond

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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 2013 FL2 XS.
Defender 90 300 TDi.
Defender 90 300 TDi CSW.
1964 MGB Roadster.
1944 Willys MB "Jeep" with bullet holes. (gone)
17 hand Irish Drought Thoroughbred (mostly lame)
Nagging Old Boiler.

Mahatma Gandhi said if there is an Idiot in power those who elected him are well represented. The Enemy is our own corrupt Government.

I am utterly profoundly sorry for all these latest jokes, it's the best I can do, simply forwarding on the so called "better" jokes! I honestly do a lot of culling!



There is quite a serious failure with James/ie transformation that would make a 15°52'12.1'' N 100°59.552' Ladyboy blush!

Bond, James Bond... Jamie Bond... or whatever... Obviously any good spy would get the details right!

A dead giveaway that the transformation has failed. Her (or whatever "it" is) the shirt does not open to the left.

The best spy has to get these details correct!



Disclaimer, I have been to Thailand once, a lovely country that I actually still remember. When I was 13 with my parents on a holiday back to England, en route, to see relatives, well before serious damage could be done to me (a different era) in these various countries between UK & OZ! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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I wouldn't stress, at least you have a sense of humor, many who easily take offence obviously don't.

Left / right buttoning mattered generations ago, is it still a thing?
I wear my watch on my right wrist and have had it pointed out on occasion that it means something - yes that I smashed my left wrist decades ago and that wearing anything there isn't going to happen.

Keep up the good work, even if it isn't up to your high standards. Dad jokes are still funny to a lot of us. Tangiers Orange - gone, missing her
Replaced by Ewok what a mistake - now a happy Disco Sport owner

I still use a mechanical watch with milanise strap. My dad had a watch on each wrist. The left was one he could read. The right was a four time a day alarm to remind him to take his pills!


Not quite a dad joke...
 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Back-up system






Sorry!!! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Made me smile on a couple of levels, had a 5 way heart bypass in 2016 which was touch and go for a while - backup system would have been welcome.
Years ago I was doing bakery machinery (100’s of loaves an hour) plant was susceptible to power cuts, so the management put a hand winder on the main conveyor….. think 200 cranks per minute for at least 20 minutes, while unloading 800 loaves in the pitch black.

You couldn’t make it up. Tangiers Orange - gone, missing her
Replaced by Ewok what a mistake - now a happy Disco Sport owner

Decades ago I was a sales rep. My dad was also sales rep with his employer, but much more skilled as he was an engineer with university degree & quite frankly a lot more than that!

I happened to pop into my regular & long term respected customers. There was 2 businesses who had been working together for a very long time.

I didn't know at the time, but the owner of the other business was white faced & in utter shock, I said to Allen I will come back another day.

Minutes later via car phone in the late 1980s I got a call from my dad who knew these owners through his employer for a decade longer than me via my employer.

Mac had died at 52. The hospital was working on him for 2 hours to get him going.

When I next saw Allen from the other business he said that he should have died first, he was a 3 pack a day smoker & had so many heart bypasses that no more were possible, & then Mac died who was younger & far more heath conscious.

I am not suggesting taking up smoking, but when you are called to "travel on ahead" it's just how it is!

Mac & Allen were both lovely people. I was in shock that Mac died. I am now a decade older & like Mac, pretty much health conscious.

Just how it is! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Nice one Lightwater.

For those interested, Psalm 129 is know as a Song of Ascents, however there is nothing in the Psalm to relate to the ascent referred to in the joke.


Going to heaven.
A little girl finds her pet hamster dead on its back with its’ legs in the air.

She asks her dad "Why are his legs in the air".

He replies “So that God can pick him up and take him to heaven”.

The next day the girl says to her dad "Dad, mum nearly died earlier when you were at work, she was on her back with her legs in the air crying “God I’m coming, I’m coming” and if it wasn’t for the milkman lying on top of her to hold her down we would have lost her”.


J

This is actually old. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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